Final Fantasy XIII

WELCOME TO A SHIT STORM!

The first thing I will say in this review is that, even if you are a massive Final Fantasy/FF fan, this game basically shits all over you hopes and dreams and makes you wish you could reclaim nearly 70 hours of your life to do more adventurous things, like have a life.

Now having a life is rich coming from me since I am now doing game reviews but weirdly enough this game is one of the few games to make me want to go outside and scream bloody murder to the sky until my lungs fell out of mouth and I pissed myself in exhaustion because that is now going to be possible once playing this game.

While I like about three aspects of this game (not even joking) everything else is just sort of bland and boring, such as the characters. The main character is a woman called Lightning who is trying very hard to become the Cloud (FF7) of this Final Fantasy but sadly she is such a bitch that it is hard to even like her, or even want to look at the stuck up cow without hoping that you die in a battle so that there can be a cool animation to show her dead. Even a character with whom we are meant to bond with who is called Hope is a depressed little 13 year old who can't do shit but then suddenly sprouts a boomerang from his pampers and lord beholds, he can fight.

This looks beautiful, the game on the other hand....

Typically there is a black guy in the FF game who can do attack magic or as it is called in FF3, black magic, to do some serious damage to enemies and some guy called Snow who acts like a cool guy but was probably locked away by his grandfather and given continuous beatings till his beenie fell off and he grew a pair of balls. Oh and the is some kind of schizophrenic girl in it who is more bubbly than a packet of areo's mint bubble.

The story is about Lightning trying to find her younger sister Serah, who is a L'cie and weirdly enough, I like the story because, unlike dissidia, decided to make something new and make it appear good on paper as well. Another cool thing is the environments that surround the new FF, which are so beautiful to look at that it distracts me from the main story so much that I just want to stare at the environment and soak it in for a good five minutes. Also, as I stated, the L'cie idea is quite good because it adds some universal problem with the group instead of them constantly bickering every 5 minutes about who robbed the last cookie. The L'cie idea actually gave the main characters a goal to go to and passing that gave them eternal life, or crystallized, if you class that as eternal life. Failing your goal turns you into a False L'cie or drooling zombie thing that wants to eat people alive. Pretty solid but like I said, they are the only three good things about the whole game.

Everything else is so horrible that they should just give us a HD version of FF7 and call it the God of the FF universe because this game is awful, apart from the 3 other points placed above this paragraph. The battle system makes you feel that you might as well put the controller down and go for a 10 minute poo because that's the battle system. Boring and bland and all you do is control one character and all you have to do is leave it on auto-assign so you can go for some tea or a poo and once you come back, battle done and time to walk around a bit.

Sadly though, all the levels are so linear you could just walk in a straight line and finish the level without even battling anyone at all because what would be the point since the battle system is so fucked up anyway you might well just have the game do everything without you even touching the controller...or your penis.

Battling look fantastic, yet leaves you to put the controller down and do nothing.

 Graphically, the game is such a beautiful thing that I want to marry it and let it bore my children and if I was reviewing it on the graphics it would be my number one game of my life, yet, sadly, that is one of the only few good things. Even the enemy AI is so buggy that they can suddenly warp out of a wall to try and claw your face off for christs sake. I mean come on, how can a massive metal dragon just appear out of a fucking wall to just try and molest Hope while you slash it with a massive dildo that you want to call a sword.

Don't even get me started on the customization because it is so clustered with crap that half the items you get to customize your weapons need to be sold because you hardly get any gil from battles anymore because suddenly the land of FF is in a recession. The paradigms system is also a stupid system which could be incorporated in such a better way but instead, Square-Enix give us a ladder style system which tries to look good but actually fails because while you try and boost the power you want, the game decides that you do not want that and gives you some pointless extension of a power that you didn't want until later on. So even customization is fucked, great.

And it takes about 25 hours for the game to finally get some kind of interesting moment. Contemplate the time scale and then consider playing some other RPG which wants to scream fun. 

OVERALL    3/10

The game had a good premise and had an interesting story yet didn't give the fans (like me) what we truly wanted in a FF game which is a polished system that actually wants to fucking work and gives us something fun to look forward to when we place the disc into the console and not a pile of dog shite.

Dishonored.

FINALLY, AN ASSASSIN GAME WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING CREED!!! BUT IS IT ANY GOOD?

Assassins Creed had hardcore sex with Thief and we get this sort of game. Bethesda have incorporated the logic that you start as a prisoner again after apparently killing the Queen even though it was some kind of assassin ballbags hired by some guy who calls himself the Spymaster. As soon as the game launched, I kind of guessed he was the big penis who I would have to kill in the end.

Your name is Corvo and you have to get this girl called Emily so she can become the new Queen after her mother was killed off but for some reason you save her by the third mission, leaving six missions of you messing around with the Spymaster or Lord Regent Burrow as he calls himself now because he is suddenly full of self righteous bullshit and believes he is better for the throne than anyone else. Oh, and he has claimed himself as a lord because that makes everything better.

Badass picture but the game....

The premise of Dishonored probably made Thief fans jizz in there underwear but to anyone else, this felt like something new but sadly the environment might as well have been copy and pasted from the first two Thief games and Bethesda just introduced a cool teleportation power which I must admit, gives you the edge on assassination kills and makes the drop kills quite a dream to look at in first person but other stuff that you do just seems like a choir or even a massive ball ache because have of the game layered with side quests which feel like they don't belong there or belong in a separate game. Looking at you Skyrim and E.S.O.

I couldn't really be bothered getting any other powers after the teleport power because all of the others would just make the game to easy and why would I want to make a game that is quite easy even easier unless I tried to pull it by offering it a few beers at a local bar. Problems arose quite quickly in this game such as environment because once you get teleport (it isn't called that but I could never be arsed to remember the powers names) you don't need to free-run anywhere because you could just teleport there and middle finger the enemies as you drop down and knife the poor bastard in the head.

While it is a Bethesda game, do not expect any free roam possiblities in the sense that you can fast travel to the nearest marker but instead the company has given us such big maps that there are free roam. Because. Logic. So there is no free roam in a linear based which is a massive level designed game, which gave us free roam.

Graphically though, I might as well had played Ultimate Spider-Man on PS2 because that is how the graphics appeared. Comic-like and although I like that kind of graphic design it is developed mainly for a comic book related game and sadly, this is not a comic book related game, it is a assassin game which I thought was actually quite okay.

You sir, have a nice arse....

The PC version has the advantage over the console version by that it doesn't require you to pause the game so as change from gun to crossbow and the equip the correct bows to said crossbow to make sure everything goes to plan. With the PC, everything is in a bar at the bottom of the screen so you can equip everything that you want before a mission starts, making the game waste less time scrolling through the pause menu to assign the correct stuff before your arse gets penetrated by 100 guards firing bullets at you or trying to hack of your head with a rusty cleaver.

The game itself gives you full customization of the weapons and powers you want to assign and while the premise and idea is good, once you get so much weaponary and a load of powers, it leaves you with a difficult choice as to what you want to walk into a mission with and hoping that you picked the right stuff for that mission. 

Chaos levels have been implied into the game to show how much of a bastard you can be or how angelic you can be during a mission and lucky it helps a lot because the next mission could have a load of rats and guards on your tail or it could no rats and minimal amount of guards depending on how bad or good you are through out the previous missions and really help out during the final mission as every guard has a twitchy arse in case you decide to show you lovely face and slit there throats.

And don't get me started on the side missions because most of them are asking you hack some twat while poisoning some elixir to help cure the plague that the rats are carrying because they are plague inflicted little sods who want to eat anything with a bit of flesh on them so they can cause the perfect distraction for you as you can pick up dead bodies and throw them around to the rats to have for dinner.

OVERALL  6.5 /10

Okay game but also very short and so clustered with stuff and side missions that when you eventually get back to the main plot you kind of just give up to go and watch a bit of porn and have some actual fun.

The Superior Spider-Man The Movie Series? Part One

IS THIS POSSIBLE OR IS IT JUST ANOTHER AMAZING FANTASY....

In November 2012, Peter Parker got mind swapped with Doctor Otto Octavius in The Amazing Spider-Man issue 698, two issues later Peter Parker died in Otto's body and so a Dying Wish was made so that Otto would become a better Spider-Man, he would be Superior.

July was when the ongoing serial of Superior ended with Peter Parker returning to fight off the Green Goblin in the arc Goblin War but before that was probably the greatest Spider-Man arc to grace us in recent years but can it be adapted into a movie format?  The idea is a possibility because while the arcs were of a massive scale, the transition would not cost a lot as we already have Andrew Garfield playing Spider-Man so we wouldn't need a re-cast, all they need to do is spend of special effect. We would also need is some actors to play enemies which haven't been shown in the movies yet such as Massacre, Screwball, Jester and of course a few others and as well as the cost of for special effects but is a possibility that the movie could get made.

The first movie would have to be off the first arc which is called My Own Worst Enemy which is about Spidy-Ock trying adjust to his new life while fighting a new Sinister Six, Vulture and Massacre. This would be the first movie which would introduce the new type of Spider-Man and how callous he truly is as well as introducing the new Spider-Bots which are basically his new eyes and ears so that he wouldn't have to go on patrol so regularly and so he can spend time with Mary Jane Watson...Creepy.

Intimating and awesome, I like!!!

The second movie would probably one of the more emotional story lines as it shows the lengths that of which Superior would go to save people and defend his city but it would also show the lengths that of which Peter Parker to go to make sure Otto would never notice his mind still lingering about like a bad smell. This story also gave us the return of Cardiac who is pretty much an anti hero but this arc also let loose how much Otto knew about he knows about Peter's life as Spidey. It also established how far Peter would go in making sure Otto doesn't spot him lingering, even putting a little girl in danger, just to make sure Otto doesn't sense him which led to The Avengers noticing this new take in Spidey's mind and decide on a brain scan which noticed a few anomalies but nothing unusual but sadly, Otto noticed. A battle with Peter inside of his mind started but instead of excepting defeat, Otto decided that he could sneak in a mind wipe during the battle so Peter's mind was slowly disappearing anyway so really, Superior won. This arc is interesting because it makes Peter out to be the bad guy and Otto the hero which caused conflict during this entire arc anyway so a movie adaption would be interesting but would also destroy long time Spider-Man fans all over the globe.

What a troubled mind....

This is the end of part 1 of this discussion, please comment down below what you think about a movie adaption for the first two arcs in Superior Spider-Man and I hope you enjoyed!

Metro: Last Light

THIS GAME THOUGH.....

Welcome to The Metro.

This is probably one of my most favourite games that of which I played so far this year and I have a lot of reasons to have enjoyed this game, which will now be detailed below.

You start as Artyom who can be a silent assassin or a incredibly loud gun slinger, the choice is pretty much yours right from the get go and that is what I loved about this game, you had a choice on how to kill your enemies, in fact you can pretty much go through about a quarter of the game without firing more than 100 bullets. The weaponry is standard procedure, same with the melee combat system yet the way you can alarm your enemies is always something that made me giggle with glee as I plunged my knife into some guys throught.

There are, of course, different ways to alert you opponents such as playing some music on an instrument or flicking a light on and off or even just playing the radio. In fact there are many ways that you can alert the enemy that you often forget that you are holding a gun.

But what makes Metro Last Light an incredible experience is the main story of trying to find the last Dark One which proves to be an incredible adventure of discover, secret organisations, Nazi's and of course...Strip clubs. The main story involves you finding the last of the Dark Ones which the Order believes will stop the upcoming war that is happening in the Metro and sadly for everyone else, Artyom is still haunted by the events of the previous game where you decided to nuke the Dark Ones who turned out were actually quite peace loving creatures until we decided to attack them because we were scared of them and thought that they were evil. But hey, what can you do.

Because of the previous game, high hopes were made for this game and luckily, they did not disappoint. In fact, you didn't even have to play the previous game because most of what happens in Metro 2033 is brought up in this game anyway in flashback sequences so explanation on the past game is mentioned anyway, which kind of makes for some rather unimportant cut scenes which were never really needed and kind of derail from what is important unless you are new to the Metro universe.

Time to be a sneaky bastard...

Sadly thought, this game falls short of a few things and the flashback sequences being one of them as sometimes the can really drag on, especially towards the end of the game where the just re use one cut scene that has already been shown and add something to it yet you can still feel that it was unwanted unless you are a lover of cut scenes then you are welcome to it.

Another can be the AI which can sometimes decide that it is perfect timing to walk right in front of you during an important monologue moment, therefore making the monologue drag on and on about one specific thing but this is petty nick picking as this game is pretty much one the most beautiful looking and possibly one the most engaging adventures that I have ever graced my eyes for a very long time and hopefully, it will never get old to fans of the series, new or old.

OVERALL  9/10

Overall, a very fantastic game, worthy of a playthrough and if you are a veteran, have a go at ranger mode if you can get it, honestly the most difficult thing that I have done but also feels more rewarding.

Saints Row: IV

FROM ALIEN GUNS TO TENTACLE SPIKED DILDO'S, THIS GAME HAS IT ALL!!!

Hello Mr. President!!

Okay, to start this review I would like to say sorry for before I went into the the Grand Finale mission I wasn't really enjoying the second half of this game so I was going to slam this game. Ultimately I am glad I didn't because this game is the opposite of rubbish but do not think I am saying it is excellent because it truly isn't.

At the start of this game you are stopping terrorists from nuking The White House, couple of years later and you are the President of the United States. Yeah. Logic was just thrown out of the window already but suddenly, during a speech to the American people, aliens decide to attack, blow up the White House, abduct your homies and then take you away after you have a fist fight with their leader to which you wake up in a 1950's sitcom.

Welcome to Saints Row: IV, where crazy has been taken to a whole new level right at the start but unfortunately there isn't any seriousness to level out the utter madness of this game and by which point you realise this the Earth suddenly is blown up/atomized. And you are in a simulated version of Steelport, may have forgotten to mention that.

Say hello to Paul. He's nice.

What makes this game even more crazy is that you get super powers so you can leap over a building while on fire, while throwing ice balls at aliens, then landing on the ground and making people dance with the Dubstep Gun. There are literally no other sandbox games where you can do that and make it sound so fun yet seem so boring at the same time, yes, I said it, boring, because that is what this game becomes and sadly, it becomes it quite quickly and it is a shame because there is so much stuff you could do to develop the idea of the powers to make them more useful in battle such as a massive flaming sword or using the ice power to create pathways to travel across the map instead of just gliding across Steelport. In a word, the power system became boring.

Another problem is the weapons become redundant once you get the alien weapons because they are so over powered that once you start upgrading them, your standard weapons become pointless and you just start to never use them which is a shame because some of the standard guns fully upgraded have some cool effects but are shadowed by the aliens bazooka and its 3 round burst explosion of mayhem.

Lag spikes are another problem with this game as it just cluster fucks you with aliens and the ZPD and since you just want to get away quickly, you just want a load of explosions and bullets flying through the sky yet this is where the game begins to lag and you start to feel the effects of bullets going through you and not your opponents which makes the games engine feel cheap and lap dash compared to SR3 engine which hardly 

every lags when a cluster fuck of enemies appears.

What makes this game feel so good though is the missions and homie missions because it feels like there is an actual story and some real character development happens when some of your crew from the previous game just begin to die and your character shows some real sadness and some of the character missions are just hilarious and really feel like a nice nod to the past 3 Saints Row games and also brings a sense of nostalgia to fans of the series.

OVERALL     7/10

Not a bad game and offers a great nod to the past games in the series but gets boring quickly and most of the new weapons and powers don't live up to the hype.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

TOO MUCH STUFF...SO MUCH FUN!!!

I WAS EATING MY BREAKFAST!

This caption pretty much describes Skyrim. One minute you could be eating your breakfast and the next, a dragon decides it wants you for breakfast. Welcome to Skyrim, where everything can and sometimes will kill you before you can shout FUS RO DAH!

Skyrim is basically a role-playing game but in its heart it is just so much more than that, in fact so much so that you can get so immersed with your character and his/her life that you forget that you have a life of your one and since very few games can actually do that, Bethseda immediately deserves a round of applause for that. And that is just the beginning.

The game begins with you starting as a prisoner, which is nearly cliche of an Elder Scrolls game now, on your way to be executed by the Imperial army but instead of getting executed a dragon decides to say hi and burn down the entire town. Simple. Yet it isn't. As soon as you start you have a choice to make which will effect on how people view you straight from the start and that is something the game continues on right up till the very end and it makes for some truly amazing conversations with people.

Please don't hit me.....

While playing this game you start to realise how messed up Skyrim is and how much this place needs you to decide its fate but for your hero, it is honestly just a little problem from which can be solved by just pissing off as many people as you can while doing missions/quests for the Stormcloaks or Imperials or you could just rob people blind by joining the Thieves guild or just kill people marked for death by joining the Dark Brotherhood or even just being a muscle for hire at the Companions which reaps it's own reward at the end....just not on a full moon.

There is just so much stuff to do on this game that unfortunately there are multiple downsides such as getting bored and slowly. Boredom is one thing but getting bored slowly is just painful but lucky the game saves itself by making you forget how bored you were and going back to it a couple of weeks later because not much can compare to it. Even the new skill tree looks absolutely beautiful and truly makes you feel that you fully aware that is this your character and you can change him and mold him to however you want. Sadly though it is a long grind to unlock the things you want to level 100 and master everything but it also feels rewarding when you finally do it and it also give you bragging rights between friends (if you still have any).

Another downside is probably the glitchy system which Bethesda has tried to patch yet some little things still remain after a few years such as on the PC version you can still get sent flying across the map when a troll hits you or that you can still magically get stuck in walls when you get through door, although the door one is quite uncommon it can still happen when you least expect it which adds to a little annoyance. Other minor glitches can happen such as your weapon magically disappearing in your hand and the game freezing on the load screen, but all are minor because in the grand scheme of things, Skyrim gives you something most games of this generation cannot and that is the stability to give you consequence of your actions and that is what makes this so beautiful is that no matter your action, something always follows after it.

OVERALL  9.5/10
Other than a few minor bugs this game can still compete with the big boys that are coming out to play which makes this game still my overall favourite game of last generation.